There is a sort of neurologic discharge that precludes sleep. Your kids may be agitated and need to go to bed angry. Some of the reasons they do might include:
- Picking a fight as a way of stalling for time at bedtime
- Normal anxiety at bedtime for kids associated with separation and facing the anxieties of the next day
- Before sleep defenses are down and small things may become large; i.e. “I don’t have any good shirts for school and you don’t love me!”
- Kids of all ages, often in this vulnerable time before sleep, review the hurts of their day.
- Often for kids, going to bed angry helps to ensure a bright morning; a sort of magical sleep amnesia, which allows children to work out their struggles and conflicts.
Recognize yourself in any of this? Is this an adult you know? Adults also have neurologic discharge issues before bed, also often becoming cranky and argumentative, as bedtime is also a time to review their hurts of the day. We adults may not be as efficient in our self-soothing tactics as children are. At bedtime, we move towards the unconscious in preparation for sleep-state. Deeper worries and conflicts may begin to surface and can create anxiety in the form of anger. That is why we fight before bed.
The most important reason couples fight before bedtime is that in this state, our real underlying feelings can emerge. These feelings are the “sheep” that we count but that also keep us awake; i.e. “he never locks the doors, he never says I love you,” “she never pays the bills on time, she never says I love you.”
With your children, understanding brings an ability to offer benign kindness and love. Do not be pulled in, but be gentle.
With yourself, allow some time to review and look at how you feel; even make some notes, and then tuck your feelings in for the night. In your relationship, issues that may begin a fight at night are better solved in the light of day.
